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Jaded. Fragmented. Fallen.
Always Rising.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
09:44 p.m.
Too Late
so slowly- so softly- she falls- breaks- begins-
is everything and nothing at the same time- finding a wound
that doesn't need to be fixed- she fingers teh seams-
breaks within herself and realizes it's just day- only day-
and everything is just begun-
she doesn't know why she's reaching like this- holding out her heart
for this man to hold- when really he doesn't know the difference- his skin is already
full of past and present lovers- he could never think of her as everything-
would never let himself fall and want her- would never express himself
the way she needs to hear him- wants to hear him---
and she understands- sees this within his eyes- but still continues on-
loves him in ways and layers that provide her with more reason
not to use the word- not to grab on and not let go-
she breathes- watches him walk away- smiling and laughing to himself-
not ever knowing until it's too late- all she would be to him- for him-
all that they'd be.
too late. love is never erased
and far too gone for anything passionate to hold on.
-alysia-
Sunday, May 14, 2006
05:41 p.m.
Something
i don't know why i'm doing this- bending- bleeding-
catering to everything that you never wanted-
i don't understand why i'm crying- searching this soul-
i already know the ends- the shards-
and broken hopes of love never more- love- any speck of it-
the loneliness fills me- i understand it like my own spirit- and i don't know
why i'm protesting it- faking it- pretending to be fine-
when really- there's nothing within these arms that is capable of love- capable
of being your dream- i'm just me. just me and there are tears- fragments-
and holes that will never be filled- i don't want them to be- am not expecting you
to be my everything---i just kinda thought you'd be something.
something that would mean so much to me.
-alysia-
Sunday, May 14, 2006
05:36 p.m.
All i want
don't turn me away- don't say that word-
if you're tired of excuses---stop holding up that mirror-
i'm not going to fall intentionally- not going to jump
and not look ahead- i know it's krazy- i know
it's not what i'm supposed to do- to think-
but i just can't hold back anymore- why would i want to? you're here-
smiling- laughing- and holding me.
that's all i need to know-
that's all i want to know.
-alysia-
Sunday, May 14, 2006
05:34 p.m.
Just Kiss Me
please know i can turn my back on this- can and will
just as easily as you- so don't hold that above me- your leaving---
i wouldn't let it phase me- though it would and you know it-
so why are you holding my throat? holding my airways closed-
just kiss me- you that always leaves me short breathed.
-alysia-
Sunday, May 14, 2006
05:29 p.m.
In that light
with the sunlight streaming in- the morning arises her- prods her
from bed and into the daylight- there's more to life than this-
waking and dreaming- working and living- coffee and over baked drama-
but she gets up anyway- finds her way into the kitchen where the coffee
is waiting for her- her paints lay and beg for her to dress them up-
let them dance in the light of this day- day in day out- the breaths
she takes bring her closer to the death within herself- but she keeps going anyway-
there's no promise in the lust for the blood of her soul-
she's already drawn that- felt that blade linger- felt the passion of men-
it's not what her heart is for- she can't contain them- can't deny them-
can't give them what they always seem to want-
but today-
in this light- with the coffee pouring this way- she begins to think wistfully
of maybe it is today that she'll allow him to wake up beside her- maybe
one day it wouldn't be so wrong.
-alysia-
Saturday, May 13, 2006
09:57 p.m.
Come Walk With Me
go take a walk in the orchard- feel the petals falling around you-
the death and decay of those flowers that you pluck-
why would you give them to me?
in a display of love when really you're just handing me death-
the act of you killing something
beautiful for me doesn't make me feel pretty or loved- smile at me-
hold my hand-
let me see your shadows and hear the thoughts in your head- lean into me-
hold me at night- offer me your skin and the key to your life-
build a bridge of understanding-
don't hold back- never lie to me.
smile and open your eyes hunnie- i don't need gifts and pleasures of the world-
i've had them and discarded them- left my shoes behind the door-
i'm not good at guessing games
and won't up the stakes- i'm sorry but i cannot be her-
i will shy away and not allow myself
to turn around- i will lie here and love you without knowing it-
i will be me in every aspect that i don't know how- and that's all i can say to you-
that's all, except come walk in the orchard with me- feel the petals- feel the truth-
and fall for me the way i'm falling for you.
-alysia-
Saturday, May 13, 2006
09:46 p.m.
i won't let go
what is it about odds and losing that creates us stronger-
lets the stubbornness actually fight for the right reasons- falling was never one
of my favourite things- but i've done it a lot- found myself in positions
i never wanted to be caught in- but i did it. lived it. never been fond of it-
and now have forgotten all my logic when you look at me like that-
i have to step on tip toes- that thought always makes me smile-
and that's all that i'm holding onto these days- not that i'm complaining-
i know there's no other way- and i wouldn't wish it so.
no, i wouldn't wish it so.
i'm still here dreaming of you- just as intensely as i did before-
there's nothing lacking in that- nothing missing from these shadows of my heart-
i'm not going to be convinced easily to let go- and not in a krazy cat lady kind of way-
but in the way that you act goofily and lick my face-
in that kind of way i won't let go.
-alysia-
Saturday, May 13, 2006
09:39 p.m.
She needs you
she quietens down- lets her mind breathe for a moment-
a moment lost within herself- she doesn't want to continue to pretend-
that's all she's ever done- right now she's scared
and that's all she wants to be. that's all she has the energy for-
because right now---right now, she's alone and there's only darkness
surrounding her-
and she's forced down obstacles- overcome odds- made vows
and promises she's kept 'till death- 'till her flesh screamed out in pain-
she's kept her word and broken hearts- fallen down on her knees to please-
but right now- she's just a gurl with a terrified spirit and she needs to be held-
held without questions and expectations- without having to be your dream gurl-
instead, just her---without all the labels of me. me. me.
-alysia-
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