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Jaded. Fragmented. Fallen.
Always Rising.
Monday, October 3, 2005
07:47 p.m.
i had a man that had no good in him.
had logic.
or maybe he just wanted to have that logic.
he fell in love with me because of my logic.
and the only reason he never actually killed me
was out of sum estranged respect for my mother
i guess i had a man that thought he had all the good in him.
thought we were perfect.
i'm not perfect.
i'm not even looking for perfect.
perfect's boring-
i want mud.
-alysia-
Monday, October 3, 2005
07:41 p.m.
i'm burning up inside.
burning.
i can feel it. usually i just feel the idea of it
the craving for it.
but now i feel it.
it's intense and all consuming.
And i've never been so fulfilled by it.
throw the whiskey back.
there is no longer any promise-
i am drinking water.
i want to meet sumone as intesne as me.
maybe it's good that i've not.
i think in our entangled aggression spelt out in passion,
there would be more than blood and no line to stop life frum death
or any action back again.
there would be no borders. no stops. not even a single breath.
and yet,
i want to bite into flesh
to feel the blood surge to the air.
i want darkness and no deception.
this thorn of aggression will no longer be tamed by me.
i can hardly contain it within myself.
i feel myself drooling at the thought of metal. handcuffs.
your mouth upon myne.
and biting. your teeth into my flesh.
i'll never let this thought go.
there's never only my soul.
-alysia-
Sunday, October 2, 2005
07:25 p.m.
ii
a breath.
yesterday i rmember hating your breathing.
imitating it and laughing-
my soul couldn't hold you anymore.
there is no happy ending for us.
i don't see it anymore.
There never was.
i don't feel it. and i don't know if it's because i turned away
or because i finally opened my eyes.
this love isn't fair to you.
nor me-
i am not the tramp i've been labelled.
and i know you have no idea
i can get away with this and will...
but first i have to get away frum you.
you are not a bad thing-
you are possibly a great man,
if there ever was one-
if there ever were great people.
but in all reality, you cling to me
and love me because you think that i compliment you.
we look good together.
and i'll be that trophy that loves and adores you and supports you.
and all the guys will want wat we have.
want me.
but you could be the only one to have me.
i don't know if you've ever had me
i don't know if i've ever given myself.
life jsut doesn't flow that way.
i'm selfish. i want myself for myself.
you couldn't understand,
because you refuse to. you see a future.
a beautiful engagement. a beautiful classic marriage.
in a chapel.
with friends and family. drinking in celebration afterwards.
you see plastic-
i see sand.
and toe rings
and a skimpy white dress
symbolizing true love-
i don't want your heavy perfumes and roses and candles
your lack of romance.
i want myself.
-alysia-
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