Jaded. Fragmented. Fallen.
Always Rising.

Sunday, October 9, 2005
04:59 p.m.
love is just a gradual breaking of the heart.

i guess love is giving yourself

i remember the way he used to talk to me about music.
the way his eyes would light up.
the way he'd get this faded smile.
he never knew he was smiling.
i remember hearing him play for the first time.
the way he held me in his arms.
the night we sat on the steps in the dark.
the way everything was strategic between us.
i remember the night he held me in the car when matt drove me home.
with the music and people surrounding us- -
i was sure there was only us.

i remember the nights we'd spend on the phone.
how he'd be my strength when i didn't have any will left.
the night when i had to talk him back to life.
to choosing life.
i remember the innocent flirting.
how being known as his gurlfriend put this silly smile on my face.
i remember the moment i said i love you and how he said it right back-
we did it without thinking.

i remember the days in cam's car.
the way we were so shy.
how you'd look at me with those gorgeous gray-blue eyes.
i remember the times you held me while i cried.
how we'd never fight.
how you hated to lose at any game.
i remember how much you loved me,
how you hated how much because it hurt.
i did hurt.

i remember how innocent and naive i was with you.
how i was roller-coasting downhill.
spiralling out of control.
how you loved that about me.
loved my passion.
loved my idea of life like it was intoxicating.
i remember how no one thought we'd be anything.
how we proved them wrong.
how you proved me wrong.

i remember not much about you.
how you held me-
how we met-
but i remember when you'd kiss me.
and how screwed up life was for me at that time.
i remember how you loved me.
how you opened up to me
and showed me wat life should be like.

i remember looking into your eyes.
the hope that was within them.
how you'd hold me like i was the only thing in your life.
i never knew how true that was.
i remember our spot at the lake.
hidden.
how we'd throw rocks and talk about life.
i remember how i never belonged to you.
how i thought i was doing the right thing.
how i never stop thinking about you.
still. i do.

i remember how our ideas matched.
how when you held me, all time and distance wasn't relevant.
how your spirit matched mine perfectly.
i remember that summer that we got lost.
and i eventually lost you.

i remember a lot of times
that my heart totally lost control in the wrong ideas-
the wrong dreams.
believing and following any sort of passion.
a perpetual smile on my face.
i don't want that again.
i really don't.
i don't want to fall dangerously in love again.
it hurts too much to even dream of it.
i don't know wat i want,
but i'm tired of dreaming this.
of pretending that maybe love could solve everything.
it can't.
my heart's tired of gradually breaking.
of bleeding.
it's not frightened.
it's just tired-
i'm tired.
-alysia-

Sunday, October 9, 2005
04:44 p.m.
i stare. quietly. i try not to move.
i try not to breathe-
don't want to disturb this moment.
this moment where time is standing still.
so still that i can feel it clutching my heart.
when did it return?
i remember feeling this way.
i was young. and beautiful in my youth- in my trusting.

i stare. quietly. not moving.

was that really a heartbeat?
a heartbeat skipped.
a raced breath that has nothing to do with lust.

this cannot be real.
this cannot seriously be me.
-alysia-

Saturday, October 8, 2005
01:01 p.m.
time.
i don't even know how many days have passed by.
how many seconds.
how many thoughts.
i'm not even sure i'm aware of time-
have i ever been?

i'm beginning to think i don't know a lot of things.
especially when i sit here and stare.
stare because that's all i can do.
sit here and try to wrap my head around you.
i cannot figure it out.
not at all.
and so i sit here.
trying to expand my mind to accept you.
accept the essence of you and wat you mean.

but wat do you mean to me?
you are just a moment in time.
a moment where i was me. and this surprised me.
this still surprises me. how did it get this way?
how did i fall into this?
i did not know wat i was to you.
how i impressed you. but you saw me.
me.
uncensored.
not even i get to see that a lot of the time.
so i sit here. pondering how you got to me.
wat did you do that no one else has?
i'm not sure there's an answer for that-
but i'll keep searching.
keep staring at that phone.
keep fingering your number.
running my eyes over it. not storing it in memory.
keep wondering if i'll pick up that phone and actually dial-
but wat would i say?
i'm fearful of your name
but curious as hell to know wat you'd say.
-alysia-