Jaded. Fragmented. Fallen.
Always Rising.

Friday, October 7, 2005
07:19 p.m.
the words will never surprise me-
the feelings have always been there
and everything has held me back
frum those memories.
Those broken bones
that have only begun to bruise my heart-
How does her love taste better
than mine?
how is it that her arms are warmer?

You had it all::My everything.
my naiveness now
burnign my own skin.
Too much emotion-
i'm too much alone
and now there's no where to go.

Look how deep you've cut this time,
look how far buried my soul is-
i'm fallen and smeared across the floor-
is this the true love i longed for?
Because now i'm eighty how great it still cuts,
no amount of cigarettes and scotch
can erase the blood
that i'm still stained of.
And no amount of hallucination
will bring me back to you
for here i am
fallen and fading gray
into a floor of scarlet red.
-alysia-

Friday, October 7, 2005
07:06 p.m.
weak.
my hands twitch.
i try not to notice.
continue on.
i can feel it in my stomache.
it eats away at me.
knocking.
letting me know that it's there.
it knows that i know.
thinks i'm silly.
and ridiculous for not acknowledging it.
my head hurts
but i think it has for a while-
when have i ignored this?
when did i start fumbling around. closing one eye.
trying to soothe my soul.

there are no beginnings anymore.
i can't return to those days.
that sun.
the time you held me.
that time when anyone held me-

you adore me.
a lot of men do
and i can't stand it-
find myself wanting to spit on all of them,
yank down my shirt and show them my scars.BR> i can't stand them.
can't stand the way they feel.
no one would know this.
i'm tired of caring. tired of protesting.
tired of displaying my character.
wat the fuk do i know.
i'm just a grown woman with a shattered lil gurl inside.

wat the fuk do they all know-
there are no lies behind these eyes.
no hidden truths.
the blood is too vivid for me to conceal anymore-
i'm whole again.

whole again and wishing for parts.
and pieces-
and anything to break up this headache.
-alysia-

Friday, October 7, 2005
06:59 p.m.
it slits my throat.
the passionate scarlet tears shedding-
running down my body.
i know--i felt them--dreamt them.

i thought i'd never live.
but i did.
turns out you don't die of a broken heart-
even when it's your poison
and you really should-
you don't.
you keep waking up wishing for death-
tasting death between tears
the saltiness mixing with blood and back again,
but you keep breathing.
the world is always just right there,
within reach-
spinning outside your door.

the door is looming
and i feel it closing behind me
leaving worries-
wonderings of happenings.
if i never married the feeling-
given into the passion-
never kept dreaming of you-
would that door still be looming?
-alysia-