Jaded. Fragmented. Fallen.
Always Rising.

Monday, October 10, 2005
11:17 a.m.
you stare at me.
they stare at me.
sit across the table frum me.
question which eyebrow hairs i plucked.

they sit across the table and eat strawberry waffles.
in the kitchen there's a guy i once knew,
that still wants to know me.
you're surprised at my past.
things i've done.
things i'm not proud of.
i'm not sure how they got out-
were nicely nestled within this skin.
i guess whiskey was the key,
and now you stare at me.

go ahead.
keep looking.
keep picturing in your mind
the things i've done in the dark.
keep imagining me in all the positions.
all the right words flowing frum me.
i'm not going to open my eyes.
i remember too well how the bottle was my friend.
an endless one.
and how the nights would be a blanket
for all the things that i've done.
keep staring.
i don't want to speak-
the facts seem like excuses,
and i'm not going to begin painting for you
when it's not my blood you're interested in.
-alysia-

Monday, October 10, 2005
11:11 a.m.
i grew up under the arms of my parents::
resentment that grew thru my skin
like the flowers of unwelcome weeds::
hate that burned thru my blood::
i smiled at the thought of dandelions::
i grew up dancing::
getting dirty being one of the boys::
::i grew up and thru a connection with an older man::
too young for his time-
too old for myne::
we quickly grew until there wasn't two::
i grew up and thru chaos::
pain and agony::
the growing pains of becoming myself::
::i grew up in jealousy::
the horrors of being alone::
and wanting to be anyone but myself::
i grew up thru nights spent::
ans scars fresh::
::i grew up in another's arms::
but it's you that i'm learning with::
i grew up thru a lot of concrete::
everything pressing me down::
me breaking my own heart::
and now it's stopped::
i grew up::
am not done learning::
but am up far enough to see the sun
and know where i'm going.
-alysia-

Monday, October 10, 2005
11:05 a.m.
ii

she sits.
quietly pondering nothing in particular.
that's wat she does.
sits here.
quietly drinking coffee.
randomly looking at the people surrounding her.
softly smiling at the antics of little kids.
half-smiling at the cute boys who look her way.
she wonders about them.
about the small abstract pieces of life that she's observing.
casually doodles on the paper in front of her.
There are so many papers.
so many words unsaid.
she's been here a while.
in this dust.
in this corner.
thinking. alone.
her life.
seen as a butterfly.
living as a fly.
This exotic goddess.
this beauty queen image.
this is her life-
alone in the corner.
masqueraded as a monarch.

i wonder.
viewing her, as i do.
i wonder wat you see when you walk in.
this shadow almost afraid of disturbing souls.
almost afraid of them pushing up against her-
suffocating her.
does her soul ever push up against you?
-alysia-

Sunday, October 9, 2005
09:03 p.m.
Watching her...
i

quietly she places her feet upon the soft gravel.
in her green sandals. she slowly walks.
carefully. trying not to disturb anything.
you hear men calling out to her.
she shyly smiles back and says hello.
she knows these people.
she knows their eyes.
smoothly she walks upon the dock at the lake.
lowers herself downt o a sitting position.
dips her feet into the water and opens her poetry book.
she's aware of their eyes.
of their curiosity.
she can feel them and has memory enough
to know how they stare.
and they do stare.
but she sits there reading.
deeply emerged in scarlet blood.
slowly swirling her feet in the cool water.
casually watching the children play.
she has a soft smile on her lips.

it's too bad she's tainted.
that she knows that she has eyes on her.
her spirit would be so brilliant without the attention.
without the wrong words.
for these men?
they are your husbands.
these men?
they are your fathers.
these men?

her past lays not innocent and she's aware of that.
but she's trying to change.
changing her spirit frum brilliant to dull pastel.
strange how this world murders souls.
but i suppose it's her fault-
letting herself fall victim to a stranger's adoration.
to like hearing that sumone saw her for the beauty she truly is.
instead of society's misconceptions of her.
i suppose it's her fault for being young and naive and falling in love
with sumone who already had another.
i suppose it's her fault,
because that's how her broken heart bleeds it.
-alysia-