Jaded. Fragmented. Fallen.
Always Rising.

Wednesday, October 5, 2005
07:17 p.m.
i look and see beauty.
beauty within the rags.
within the rage that kept her there.
she is barely clothed and fighting for her life.
fight for the scars on her wrists.
but she is beauty.

how can you aruge with her?
she doesn't hear you.
doesn't listen.
she doesn't need you.

and this burns you.
burns you so bad that you can taste it.
taste your anger at her.
and you spit it out.
it cuts-
spilts your tongue.

you now know no other way-
you beat her
she stands back
look into that glass

do you like who you've become?
do you like despising beauty?
she's right there in front of you.
slowly, you claw your way down your body.
searching.
searching for sum kind of answer.
for sum form of beauty.
don't look away.
don't fear the freckles and all the games you have played.
there is no one here so why do you cover your body.
there is on one here.
so why do you fear?

look within yourself.
the ugliness is there plain.
not in who you are,
but who you cover yourself with.
think about it.
wat do you need to feel about it?
this is you.
that was your past.
the rape is behind you.
The attempted suicide.
wat can man really do to you now?

Wat can man really do?
-alysia-

Wednesday, October 5, 2005
06:57 p.m.
rain is on me.
dripping.
slowly drenching.
until my whole being is consumed by the wetness of the rain.

there's no more you
and i don't know why i expected there to be
it seems years since you'd look at me
look at me that way
your ring is on your finger now
and there's no more promise of true love.

it's better this way, i just have no place for it.
i don't want it's consumption and politics.
i don't want the desire for total committment. marriage. kids.
it's funny how quickly childhood dreams grow up when they get burned to ashes.
and then spread.
quickly.
i was tainted.
quickly, i learnt how to jump on top and force him to bed.
all cute 'n' coy.
i could be your dream come true.
just let me teach you. reign you.
rain on me.

am i really standing here in the pouring rain?
i look outside and i find the sky clear.
unwavering.
not quivering.
i'm puzzled by the quick turn around.
do i remember when the weather changed?
or has it always been the same?
-alysia-

Wednesday, October 5, 2005
06:45 p.m.
it's him again.
him.
my fear of being alone.
my memory of his arms
his lust
and how they both used to bind-
creating my blood stronger each time.

stronger each time i wanted to crawl back to him.

there is no reason-
i'm never faithful
he was madly in love.
we hardly saw each other-
who has time when there's monsters in the closet-
demons hiding beneath the sheets.
there's never more than the promise of forget
the endangering of your soul.
there's never more
never more
when the kiss is sweet enough to chill your breath.
-alysia-