Jaded. Fragmented. Fallen.
Always Rising.

Sunday, October 9, 2005
06:42 p.m.
a breath.
broken.
ragged.
maybe my heart's been broken for a while.
maybe it had never left and i was just neglecting it.
i remember the days when i was growin up.
struggling wtih youth. friends.
and the sandbox.

i always pictured life beautiful.
when i'd grow up i'd still be writing.
i would be beautiful and in love.
and love would be the greatest thing.
a boyfriend to kiss and hold me.
a smile plastered on my lips.

plastered.
i remember the days of perpetual smiles.
of roses for no reason. for dandelions and daisies.
long walks leading no where.
days at the lake.
nights held in his arms.
two people up all night talking. about hopes. about dreams.

they were great days.
days of innocence. of belief. of faith.
but today?
it's raining and wet.
cold. bitterly cold.
i refuse to put on socks.
to brush my hair.
i refuse to believe that i want those teen love days back.

i don't want a fairy tale.
i don't sit and dream of a love to come.
a prince to save me.
i dream of life.
without the barriers. without the white fluffy clouds of love
surrounding everything.
suffocating.
it's very real.
this blood.
this passion.
this pen.
very real
and the reason for this heart,
broken or not.
-alysia-

Sunday, October 9, 2005
06:28 p.m.
weak.

you always hated that word. hated the way it tasted.
you called me today and said that it made you feel weak.
told me that you hated how you couldn't get me out of your head.
that you hated how much you loved me.

hated how you loved me.
it sux that i love you this much.
like it was all just a play
the words only in your head.

but it wasn't just for you to hear
i heard it.
sitting here. hair up. black hoodie. blue jeans.
bare feet.
i stare aimlessly.
maybe love is just one step away frum hate.
maybe there is just that fine shadow separating them both.

i've been there before.
in the unrequited light.
it hurts.
i'm not going to shade my eyes to that.
but one look of them happy made it worth it.
made the pain erase.
why do you constantly feel the need to cage the bird?
the beauty is in its flight.

so go ahead, call me frum hours away.
and tell me how you hate how you feel.
how you are weak because you need to talk to me.
need me in your life.

go ahead and hate being weak. hate loving me.
i'm not going to waste away.
i'm going to fly.
going to fall. and sit here in the middle-
admit that i am weak.

i am weak.
my wing is broken and i'm stubborn---
i'll fix it myself.
i'm a sucker for open arms.
i love being held.
having that body to hold in the middle of the night.
even if it's just the cuddly warmth of patched up jones.
life without it, any of it
isn't truly life.
i am weak.
but in my weakness.
that's where i find my strongest colors.
-alysia-

Sunday, October 9, 2005
06:19 p.m.
today the sky wanted to cry. but couldn't.
today she had to be strong. bright. and peaceful.
she had to listen to those who needed comfort in her.
today the sky had to show her blue color.
the one that they expect frum her.

today the sky was powerful. reliable. and a good listener.
she was confused by why she had to be.
but she did it without question.
listened to the men that had hurt her. that are still poisoning her.
but she doesn't hold grudges.
she doesn't know how.
she's a hopeless romantic.

today the sky is looking forward to night.
to the sunset where she can let loose all her plight.
fill herself with the intensity that she actually feels.
at sunset she can paint with the colors of her mind.
sunset is the time she likes.
where she can feel wat she feels by herself.
express the worries of the world and the burdens that she wears.

tonight. tonight the sky will rest and give way to the stars of the night.
tonight. the sky will make a move on the moon.
get to know him better.
tonight she promises not to be shy.
to just be true to herself.
herself.
-alysia-