|
Jaded. Fragmented. Fallen.
Always Rising.
Friday, October 7, 2005
07:55 p.m.
i stare blankly.
i'm sorry.
i actually really am this time.
i forgot you.
i can't believe i forgot you.
just like that.
all the touches. all the kisses.
everything.
vanishing frum my mind.
no. don't move closer.
don't inch closer to my soul.
there must be a reason why it was so easy to just let go.
i didn't mean to hurt you-
to find that double-edged knife and cut you.
i didn't mean to twist it.
to spill the salt.
really, i didn't.
i'm really not.
i don't know wat got in the way of defences-
a new love fades the old,
but i didn't even know we were dealing with that world.
i was too captured in mine.
your heart is torn.
and i bow for it.
but that look in your eyes,
is more than dandelions dieing.
that look in your eyes is more than a baby crying.
it's like staring into a mirror-
and that's wat's scaring me.
clutchin me.
begging me to stand on my knees.
-alysia-
Friday, October 7, 2005
07:45 p.m.
i don't know wat to do.
with my hands. with my eyes.
you can tell so much by people's eyes.
not by staring into them.
but by watching where they land when they talk to you.
i'm tired of eyes lingering on my body.
tired of the smile that their faces portray when they find me staring.
they're caught. but they're going to try to weasel out.
weasel.
i'm tired of it.
tired of wanting it.
tired of protesting it.
tired of the noise.
i remember when there was a moment.
a soft moment. quiet. true. pure.
we were walking.
hidden by trees.
i guess the sincerity was there.
but twisted at the same time.
we were forbidden.
i belonged to another.
but you had the courage to ask.
and i saw the shyness in your eyes. the truth.
i had the courage to step out. and be hidden.
but we had our spot.
our time. our moment on the beach where you would just hold me.
throw rocks.
talk about life.
our dreams.
i was a fool not to choose you.
but i thought i was doing the right thing.
i thought i was just a fling to you.
i startled myself when i'd still think of you.
startled myself when i came back and found myself at a table across frum you,
and then in your arms.
to hear you say stay
and for me to consider it.
starled to find you crying in my arms
when your granddad died.
to find us overlooking the city
and talking about the child we almost could have had,
like it was the only hope and happiness in our lives.
i startled myself to start believing i loved you.
i fell frum that.
you let me down.
and then there was nothing.
but now, now you're back in my life,
and i'll never be able to forget you.
i wonder if i ever want to.
-alysia-
Friday, October 7, 2005
07:33 p.m.
i lie here.
staring at the ceiling.
i'm alone, and it's dark.
i don't regret you.
i've learnt to look past that.
look past society's morals.
and ideas.
you told me that my independence drove you away.
that you needed to be with sumone who needed you.
i never used to understand that.
until him.
and he didn't need me.
maybe love is giving yourself.
but i want myself.
want the gurl that is lieing and staring.
so much of her life has past.
she's not society's idea of beautiful.
she's covered in scars. never combs her hair.
wears wat she wants. listens to music...
it's in who she carries herself.
how her smile lights up a room.
makes you believe you're the only one in her life.
i loved her.
loved the way she was her own worst enemy.
how she was so consumed by words and emotion. and passion.
she did everything with passion.
put her whole self into it.
she crashed and burned a lot.
that's when i began to wonder if i really was like her
if i really loved her.
that's when i realied that beauty,
true.raw.beauty.
isn't always those blond blue eyed prom queens.
it's those whose spirits have suffered.
suffered greatly.
and yet they still stand there naked in front of you.
daring you to see them.
the real them.
it's those spirits who constantly are compassionate.
who care for others.
raw beauty is bred thru pain.
raw beauty never fades.
you're the one who led me to that.
you're teh one who walked away.
now don't look back and call me names.
it matters not in whose bed i've lied.
nor whose hand i've held.
i did it all because i lived it all. with open eyes.
i was not the one who looked away.
-alysia-
|
