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Jaded. Fragmented. Fallen.
Always Rising.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
07:33 p.m.
walking across the dirt path.
i knew this place had the reputation of a desert.
but i didn't know it until this weekend,
the dryness clung in the air and i walked to where you stood.
three years hadn't changed much.
you were still shy and didn't speak.
i felt on edge around you.
never knew just wat you wanted me to do.
but i came to see you and i was stubborn enough to stick around.
when you kissed me all i could do was smile.
it was the first kiss that actually took my breath away.
it was the first kiss where i just got lost and didn't know wat to say.
i'm never out of words.
but you did that to me. surprised me.
walked slowly so i'd have to slow down.
walked slowly towards me and wrapped your arms around me.
i was surprised how well i fit.
how safe i felt.
how passionate your lips were.
i guess the passion builds up after three years.
i guess you get so sick of the mystery after three years,
that you just have to let go and jump in.
slowly of course.
you asked me to stay and i wish i did.
the bunk in the horse trailer would have fit just right.
would have fit the irony just right.
you were always the shy cowboy in my life,
and now you're back, and this is week three.
we didn't leave week two smiling,
but i'm crossing my fingers hoping that at the end of this we'll be alright.
that we'll actually stand up and fight.
i wasn't much of a fight three years ago.
didn't know wat i would have fought about,
i never cared much about anything.
these past years have taught me a few things.
like i shouldn't give up.
shouldn't turn my back on sumthing just because it might hurt.
just because my heart might get crushed or i might look weak.
weak.
i'll be weak if you leave me.
it's been nice floating on this cloud. smiling.
dreaming of you.
but you're colored in gray.
with beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair.
your hands are rough and scarred,
your body, built and toned.
sore and achy.
you need sumone there to slow you down.
to take care of you.
just like i need you teach me.
to slow down,
to not take everything to heart.
we don't talk much but our silence teaches me that.
teaches me to be silent and be happy with that.
i don't always have to be looking for that next horizon,
not when i have you by my side.
-alysia-
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
07:28 p.m.
she sits there. cleans her nails. short. polished. clean.
she doesn't want to think about wat hides under her sleeves.
two long red gashes mapping out her veins.
mapping her life story.
it always seems to end this way. at her elbow.
misses a few beats and reappears up her arm.
misses a few years and then sounds the alarm.
and yet she continues to clean her nails. keeps them polished.
her hair long and beautiful.
no need to dwell in the inevitable, i suppose.
no need to clean up when it's invisible.
she knows she doesn't have to do this.
she knows she isn't going to live like this.
but yet she still tries.
still dreams and lies and hides behind those eyes.
this is her.
and this is wat she's grown into being-
everything she's never wanted.
everything she's always hated.
and yet she still tries.
still sits there passively cleaning her nail.s shrot. polished. perfection.
and yet she is living.
rolling those sleeves up as he comes home. walks thru that door.
throws her battered arms around him.
her heart, in much better care.
her life more than she's waited for.
-alysia-
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
07:23 p.m.
Dear John
tears come to my heart,
while i'm writing this.
but i'm not sad. i know that.
in the weirdest way i understand.
in the weirdest way it's like i've already known this moment.
i do believe in love again.
and i am in love with another.
he called and i'm going back to him.
i'm not sure if it's going to work or not,
but in all honesty, i'm not sure i care.
well, obviously, but wat you said the other night---
'if he doesn't fight for you, who will'
that really stays with me.
it's wat i needed to hear and i thank the Lord he brought that to you.
so who knows if this love will work out.
really, i only have the Lord to trust in.
everything else is uncertain.
Thank you for fight for me,
you have been there for me countless times
and i hope i've been at least half as good to you.
i understand why this is goodbye.
i really do and i'm not upset over it.
we have this amazing connection stemmed in faith,
and i don't think that will ever end
even if we never speak again.
i will always pray for you.
maybe one day our paths will cross,
don't hesitate to contact me,
i'm always here-
i love you.
guess it's taken me a lot to finally realize that.
thank you.
it's definitely a beautiful thing,
God and you and the presence of faith.
-alysia-
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
07:20 p.m.
so this is wat it's like.
this emptiness. this hole.
it feels like it's crushing me. this emptiness.
it feels like it could kill me.
i know it's killing my soul.
so this is wat it's like.
to know that you love sumone.
to know that you truly truly loved them.
so this is wat it's like.
i knew it would kill me to watch you walk away.
but to watch you walk away multiple times.
to feel my heart fall to the floor and shatter.
multiple times.
multiple times.
so this is wat it's like.
this is wat it's like to have my heart fall to the floor.
this is wat it's like to stare aimlessly.
this is wat it's like.
i'm still happy. i'm me. i have no lost that.
but i've lost you.
and sumhow,
sumhow that doesn't seem right.
doesn't seem like life-
so this is wat it's like.
-alysia-
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