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Jaded. Fragmented. Fallen.
Always Rising.
Sunday, October 2, 2005
07:15 p.m.
i
i can't even stand to look at you.
your breathing makes me want to strangle you.
and yet you consider yourself the best thing that's ever happened to me.
ever going to happen to me
ha.
you may think my life isn't on the right track.
that i have these krazy ideas in my head.
you say you know that yer right for me.
i say fuk that.
i may not have the life of sunshine and roses-
i'm not sitting behind the stone of being great.
i see life.
create wat i must.
smile.
have fun.
live in the moment.
i want to dream. and live. and have the space to just be myself.
with all the labels of mistress.
my life is not less valuable just because i don't dream of being rich-
just because i don't believe in love.
you shake your head sadly at this.
and think that my poor soul must be broken.
it's not-
i'm just simply sitting on the steps
refusing to waste paper on tears of regret
when it's not real.
no your love didn't reach me-
i'm still not living your dreams-
i just don't see how you can sit and judge everyone
and think you're unjudging.
i am not depressed.
nor broken.
i don't need your hand up.
nor you to fix me.
oops. you may not want to touch me- you don't know where i've been.
well, i know.
and i won't hide frum it.
so don't look at me thru those pitying eyes.
i'm fine. step closer and i'll step back.
force me and i'll fight back.
-alysia-
Sunday, October 2, 2005
07:09 p.m.
leave me. i have already left you.
it was a while ago.
i don't remember when.
or just wat pushed me over the edge of that pedestal you placed me on.
i don't belong to you.
never could.
i was just never good at submitting to anyone.
i can make you believe it.
believe that i'm still here in bed with you.
that my kisses are still sweet and sincere.
you can go ahead and keep believing in my innocence,
that my mistakes are all just in the past.
you can show blind eyes
to the reality that my past mistakes only dictate my character.
i am who i am.
and that just happens to be the gurl in another woman's bed.
you see, i never steal-but i never ask questions-
wat good is it for them to tell me
the bile of truth
when nothing bars the fate of wat's going to happen?
you may look down on me.
i know a lot do.
but i will never hide myself.
i will never bar wat my spirit wants to do.
who it wants to paint with-
my thirst for blood will never be quenched.
i know that
and yet i will still bite harder.
i will still search for the scarlet tears that will finally fill me
satisfy me-
your love won't ever be a drop in the bucket.
-alysia-
Sunday, October 2, 2005
07:03 p.m.
you eat away at my flesh.
slowly. painfully.
like acid.
you mind me of acid.
and yet i'm addicted.
i need to feel you inside.
i need your weight on top of me.
holding me down.
i feel your pulse
and yet, you're not here.
i crave you.
crave the way you bind me
and bite into my skin.
i ache for you,
and all the torture that is you.
i smile as i remember the rhythm,
the beat of your heart pounding into my chest.
i rise in ecstasy as i remember the breathing-
the grasping for breath,
the wounds the next morning,
how you had complete control of me.
the next morning? ha. we both know i'm not into cuddling.
and we both know that i don't need you to keep me warm.
i'll be back.
maybe.
you may have control of me,
as you slice my wrists with cold steel
but i will not allow you to have control of my heart
and whether or not i return.
or when i return.
i will always be myne.
-alysia-
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