Jaded. Fragmented. Fallen.
Always Rising.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005
06:36 p.m.
she looks around this room.
she's trapped.
the door locked frum the inside out,
kinda reminds her of her soul.
kind of reminds her of you.
she doesn't deserve your love,
your attention,
the detail and energy you exert in twisting that knife.
the blade will never be clean-
stop trying.
she's kneeling at your feet,
blindly laughing at your joy-
hoping for sum part of it
surprise, there is none
and you step over her.
gently close the door and slam her soul against the floor.
the clean floor,
bathed in her tears,
covered in her blood.
a waste of breathe. a waste of time.
and as she stares at these walls that contain her,
her every thought is of you.

her every thought is for you.
-alysia-

Wednesday, October 19, 2005
06:19 p.m.
all i did was love you.
and yah, i know i left
but into that night i whispered i love you
and you said you loved me back.
i remember how i couldn't breathe.
couldn't believe it was me.
that those words were myne.

they were.

i left.
but i kept looking back.
kept returning.
kept thinking and smiling.
you were the only one---even with the spaces between us.
you were the one.
held me in your arms while i drowned in tears-
you saved my life- do you remember me?
because here i am.
sitting alone, staring over the city.
here i am realizing that a love like yours doesn't come easy.
and i guess it never was.
but it seemes easy enough for you to walk away.
yes,
it seems easy enough for you to look at her that way.
whisper to her.
hold her.
drag this knife deeper.

go ahead, i dare.
all i did was love you.
but i guess it's my fault for thinking
that i could keep you happy.
i was silly.
silly to believe that you were addicted to me.
when clearly, i wasn't enough.

i guess i never was.
-alysia-

Wednesday, October 19, 2005
06:16 p.m.
don't disturb.
she closes the door. quietly.
as if she doesn't want to disturb the sound of her own heart crying.
it's going to be another long night.
restless. the sheets wrapped around her ankles.
her shoulders cold and missing his random kisses.
her back to the door.
she slides down its coolness.
she doesn't feel any of it.
rests her head in her hands.
the world is outside that door.
the world is outside her. and she can't grasp any of it.
is grasping at ends.
she has no strength anymore
and lies in pieces on the floor.
-alysia-

Wednesday, October 19, 2005
06:14 p.m.
smiling, they look across at her.
see her. the paints. the footprints. the taste.
smiling, they welcome her. allow her to smile. to open up.
smiling, they poison her. poison her thoughts.

smiling, she knows it'll never last.
knows that this is just another path.
this is just another yesterday.
so as they dance around with precaustious steps.
she's already got the rhythm memorized.
but she'll look up with wide eyes.
smile innocently. nod trustingly.
she's got them fooled.
but at night. in the loneliness.
once their smiles have fallen and their true nature comes out.
she turns on the light.
exposes them.

and silently walks out.
-alysia-

Wednesday, October 19, 2005
06:08 p.m.
i return to you like i said i would.
i turn to you without thinking.
with this burden. with these problems.
i face you.
i open to you.
i talk with you.
i laugh a lot around you.
i smile thinking of you.
to you i keep my promises without even thinking.
it's like an everyday feeling.
not overly consuming,
but always persistant.
aware of how i cannot wait for you.
aware of how i cannot wait for dinner to be over.
aware of how i cannot wait for another drink.
aware of how i cannot sleep without you with me.

there were a few nights.
i returned to you like i said i would.
alive and naive in the thought of love.
it was that night that you cracked this slowly healed heart of myne.
it was that night that you told me that i was too near to your heart
and you did not want to get hurt.
so you hurt me.
i remember fighting back tears in the dark.
i was stunned. silently kissed your cheek,
whispered goodbye and left.
i remember hearing you cry out "wait"
i kept walking.
only because i knew that if i stopped i'd break.
i'd break.

after ten minutes you came back to me
said you missed me
and that it felt like you were making a mistake.

in between tears she whispered,
you're right.
-alysia-

Wednesday, October 19, 2005
06:07 p.m.
i'm thinking krazy thoughts.
humming and singing to myself.
smiling softly and unaware.
you are on my mind.
you said my name and i awoke.
-alysia-