Jaded. Fragmented. Fallen.
Always Rising.

Monday, October 10, 2005
12:36 p.m.
i love the night.
the way it falls around everyone.
around every soul.
it grasps us in the moments
that we finally let down our guard.
day is such a busy event.
we build up our strength to make it thru the day-
but wat about the night?
those with sumone,
have that support
those with just themselves-
there they sit.
in their apartments.
in their homes.
staring at all those lights.
the world just outside their door--
pounding to get in.
in the night...
will we let them?
will we give in?

day is reassuring.
you can see wat's ahead of you and prepare a bit-
doesn't offer the intensity that leads way to beauty.
to the cuts that pour out blood.
that create us strong.
day allows me to fool myself-
night holds the reality that my heart still longs for him.

no kind of tea can calm that fear.
-alysia-

Monday, October 10, 2005
12:24 p.m.
softly.
gracefully.
she reaches over to touch your face.
and you feel her touch.
it's unrealistic.
it's angelic.
you never knew skin could feel so soft.
so feathery.
and you slowly smile.
a real smile, that starts frum the inside.
your soul is smiling as her finger lingers on your lips.
her eyes meet yours.
she matches your smile but then turns away.
her hair falling softly across her.
she tried to hide frum you beneath it.
but you caught the moment.
the second of pain within her.
and suddenly your eyes are opened and you are staring at her.
her face turned away.
her hair flowing over her shoulder.
her intense blue top and black pants.
her toe nails are painted lavander
and you wonder how long you haven't noticed.
how long has it been that she's had this pain within her?
you lean closer and smell the faint fragrance of her perfume.
you remember the beauty in it as you two first met.
reaching forward you clasp her hand and she turns to you.
you are amazed at the grace in her movement-
the pain in her posture.
searching her face you find that she's not ready for this.
she can feel it.
it's pressing against her.
choking away her spirit.
the realness is there.
it's intense and you so desperately don't want to let it go.
but as you look on.
in her eyes you can see that it's killing her.
this love has bloomed a rose
but at the expense of a soul.
trying not to cry you hold her close and say goodbye.
and she hugs you. holds onto you.
she doesn't want to go.

because wat kills her.
addicts her.
and she doesn't know how to say no.
-alysia-

Monday, October 10, 2005
12:13 p.m.
she finds new excuses
not to be beautiful every time you see her.
you don't see her a lot.
you wonder if she notices.
she doesn't speak a word.
that's not her style.
she has deemed you friend and that's how you'll be.
that's how you'll always be.
you step closer to her.
gather her up in a giant hug.
she was always so much smaller than you.
yet she had this charm that was bigger than life itself.
she still has it.
but this time?
this time that you see her next.
that same wonderful charm has burnt her.
and now, she has more scars to add against beautiful.
she no longer offers excuses.
allows herself to be gathered in your hug.
lets herself be one of the guys just sitting around in the car port.
this has happened before.
used to be the extent of your lives.
this time, however, she doesn't fade into the background.
this time she wears bright yellow and boys pants.
this time she doesn't sit back as the gurls frum next door
become the night.
she has new reason in her life.
a new taste to her.
and she won't be sitting around waiting for you.
-alysia-

Monday, October 10, 2005
12:05 p.m.
you should have seen her.
that lil gurl that was so shy.
but i wasn't shy.
i was scared. terrified of people.
their souls would reach up at me.
suffocate me.
i wasn't shy. i was scared of people.

you should have seen her.
that lil gurl that worse a beautiful complexion.
but it wasn't beautiful.
i hated it. i was taunted becasue of it.
their names and spit hurled at me.
killing me into silence.
i wasn't beautiful. i was different.

you should have seen her.
that lil gurl with a pen in her hand.
but i wasn't drawing.
i was painting. all the pain within me flew thru that pen.
drew all the horrors in my head to a place where they couldn't see me.
i wasn't drawing. i was hiding.

you should have seen her.
that lil gurl with the mind of an elder.
but i wasn't brilliant.
i was cowering in my shadow. i was adicted to the silence within my soul.
they couldn't touch me.
i wasn't smart. i was daring the world to dare me.

you should have seen her.
that lil gurl with her life planned out.
but i wasn't certain.
i was standing on shaking ground. i was down on my knees. crying and gouging my skin.
they never saw that.
i wasn't driven. i was hiding my addiction.

you should have seen her.
that lil gurl in love.
but i was deceived.
i was brought in by the bright lights and society's expectations.
they still stare at me dirtily for not being with him.
i wasn't a whore. i was in love.

you should see her now.
but you can't.
you won't open up your eyes and see the woman in the pink dress.
you only see fallen expectations.
and a dirty whore wasting her mind.

you don't see her-
you want the lil gurl back.
-alysia-