Jaded. Fragmented. Fallen.
Always Rising.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005
07:01 p.m.
all i feel is your absence.
and it cuts me. hurts me.
i never thought that it would.
never thought you would.
i sit here waiting for the kettle to boil,
hearing your name
feeling your kiss on my forehead.
i'd always lean into you.
trace your chest with my fingers.
i never expected you.
you never expected me.
your eyes would light up.
your eyes would shine when i was unexpected.
i remember you wrapping yourself up in me-
whispering that you'd never known.
never known how to fall to the ground.
never known a gurl like her.
and i sit here.
wrapped in a blanket. fingers reaching out for my coffee cup.

i wonder if that's a bad thing.
i wonder if that's why you left without saying goodbye.
-alysia-

Monday, October 10, 2005
01:03 p.m.
blood entry.
it's dripping.
entering this mind to places that are not meant to play.
there's nothing more here, but an empty shell.
don't stare that way.
the coffee has not been hotter-
nor as sinful as it is today.
hidden in the shades of gray and crimson.
i look out upon the world-.
there's not much more to say.
except that maybe today is the last taste that will remember the day-

the death of others that have not come out to dance in the rain.
-alysia-

Monday, October 10, 2005
12:56 p.m.
she sits there.
silently looking out the window.
it's cloudy. not raining but gray.
the leaves still bright yellow. still no smiles.
no happiness in her life.
but the absence of it is deafening and defeating her soul.
there's no energy anymore.
only the knowledge of past colors.

paint me a rainbow with your tears and sumone else's sun.
open your soul and let the shadows in.
the sun of summer has been to weak
to support all your habits-
open your soul to those that carry the dead.
the leaves of the willow in mourning.
open your mouth and let the whore's out-
it's winter and their blood past boiling,
they'll be safe in the arms of others.
murders covered in rainbows
and unused railroad signs.
-alysia-

Monday, October 10, 2005
12:47 p.m.
faded stars have fallen frum my ears.
i can no longer cover up all the holes.
all the missing pieces.
they are a part of me--
these pieces.
i quite enjoy them.
stick my tongue out in the mirror.
mess up my hair.
laugh and dance at loud music--
it doesn't matter wat's on.
i'm me.
you can't take that.
you can burn me.
torture me.
slit my throat.
but you cannot change me.
and as i throw these faded stars against the wall,
i don't forget that.
don't forget the time they held my hand.
the way the moon fell acros the water-
there's no turning back.
not without trading my character,
and i won't erase these scars.
these thoughts that create me whole but in pieces.
in fragments of inspiration.
look at me.
i'm naked.
bleeding on the floor.
and singing.

wat part of yourself is hidden frum your eyes?
is hidden not to others?
wat color is your aura?
does it paint you well?

i compare-
stare into that glass.
wat can a 2 dimensional image tell you?
nothing.
she just stares.
she can be observed.
calculated. thought of.
talked to.
she can become a perfectly lovely person.

but dear glass,
you are not speaking to me.
not sharing your secrets.
you are keeping discovery to yourself
and i'm puzzled by your names.
but i do not doubt you.
for i know, in time, you will reveal to me.
the truths. the hidden movements of this passing reflection.
in time you will tell me-
all that i do not know about myself.
-alysia-

Monday, October 10, 2005
12:43 p.m.
knock on my door.
do you think i'll answer?
do you think i'm home--
i don't know the answer.
i'm wrapped in blankets.
the world can't hurt me-
i can.
i seem to be good at it.
or at least, used to be.
used to lie awake and taunted by the gleam of a blade
only inches away.
my soul craved it.
release was in the blood.
beauty was in blood.
truth was in blood.
promise.
it was pure.
i could be happy.
am i really sitting here listening to you?
will you keep knocking at my door?
i look up and know not the answer
nor where the blade lies anymore.
-alysia-